Newest Jokes for Summer

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I am in shape. Round's a shape. . .

You should never raise your hand to a kid. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Why did the kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Have you noticed that a dog doesn't like it when you blow in his face, but when you take him in the car, he sticks his head out the window?

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and in great shape, but we have no idea where she is.

I have six locks on my door, and when I go out, I lock every other one. I figure that no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, he is always locking three.

Have you seen the commercial that shows a detergent that can handle bloodstains? It's such a violent image. Personally, I think that if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, then perhaps laundry isn't your biggest problem. First, you need to get rid of the body, then worry about the wash.

When I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls, they respond that it's because the deer is such a beautiful animal. I tell them that my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her. Hmmm....

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "A cow was murdered for that jacket," she neered. I quickly glanced around and then glowered at her. "I didn't know there were witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you, too."

A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were wandering in the jungle when they were captured by a tribe of cannibals. "We're going to eat your insides and use your hides to waterproof our canoes," said the cannibals. "The good news is that you can choose how we kill you." The doctor wanted a quick, painless death, so he asked to be shot in the head with a pistol. The engineer could not stand blood, so asked to be hanged. The lawyer said he preferred to be stabbed, and asked if he could have a fork before the cannibals killed him. The cannibals thought it was an odd request, but said ok. The lawyer then began poking holes in his skin with the fork, saying "screw your canoe."